MIXED ; JUMBLED

Iam so having mixed feelings.
And I don't know why.
Like I did something Iam not supposed to...
My stomach is all jumbled up and it seems that it had been tied in knots.
My throat seemed stuck.
Okay, maybe I know.
It might be because of what you juse said.
' I thought you won't want to eat so ex de? '
It got me thinking of why you said that.
My gut feelings.
Should I or should I not go for the feast?

And even though I got a job;
I didn't feel particularly happy.
It should be because that it was you who recommend me the job.
I used to think we couldn't be friends like before.
I wanted to cut all ties with you and never contact you again.
But you keep recommeding jobs to me like we are best of friends.
But I know we are not.
And you know it too.
It's just totally awkward between us.
We didn't have much to talk about.
You changed and I changed.
There's a lot of awkward pauses when we meet up;
When we talk;
Or when we are on the phone.
It's SO SO awkward to meet up with you.
I don't know what you are thinking.
I can't guess.
I can't read you.
I just hope to disappear at that moment when the awkward pauses appear.
And now I owe you favours cause you recommended me jobs.
Maybe you asked me because maybe you felt that you are definitely better than me?
I don't know.
What I do know is that I definitely felt inferior when Iam with you.
You are skinner; prettier ; your skin is good ; you excel in both sports and studies.
How can I ever compare with you?
You seem more independent now and very cold too.
I feel like Iam standing next to an iceberg.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to think.
Why do you find me?
Why?
What should I do?
Get me out of this awkardness.
Help me.

I've got no friends.